rainy days

such turmoil, sometimes it just represents my life

I dont know what to do

I don't know what to do. I am trying to be okay but this week has just been a downer and all i want to do is leave....everything. I want out of srq and florida all together, i need a getaway or i just might break. Other than my lovely friend whitney i dont know who my friends really are, i mean i have lotsa people that i hang out with but how do you know if they are your friends?? I wish I didnt have to finish school and i could just take a break from it all, sometimes things just suck, im not motivated to do anything except wait for georgia but even then i still wont be away, i will be with people who i sometimes consider my family and other times just dont know what to think. when emily and jackie were having a rough patch, em and i got close and now they are close again and i know i am supposed to fit in there but sometimes i just feel like i dont. this week my sister made me feel like shit and i tried to ignore her and just clean but she just kept going until i believed it and then it made me start questioning everything. i work so hard and it is never good enough. i am trying to reach a goal and people keep throwing obstacles at me and i know its not supposed to be easy but at least help me out a little or sheez let me see that i am getting a little closer because i see no change. you know life is funny, it seems like everyone i know is dating someone and it seems like no matter how hard i work out or try to be okay with it, im not, i figure if i work out i am relieving stress and working towards gaining confidence and liking myself better but it just doesnt matter. last weekend i had a breakdown and it hasnt gone away, i just cant do anything right and am usually not good enough. For once i just want something to go right(and not come back at me in some way) or at least be a little easier on me. maybe i am just meant to be alone all my life, which sucks but if this is true would someone please tell me because i would like to start now and ge toff the rollercoaster. i cant take it anymore. i just want out.

Hey there, so i know its been a long time since i posted but everything is always so up and down and i have come to realize that most of my postings were depressing. Haha this one is going to be good because i am procrastinating, just drinking my rockstar energy drink and procrastinating on the studying....After my test and working 9 hrs tomorrow i am going to pass out. lol. i am happy its the end of the semester and almost time for georgia. in the next week i will be packing up my stuff and moving home for the summer, i thought it was great at first because i miss it there and now over the past week have realized while that is still great, i am going to miss tampa because i have a life up here and living 2 lives is hard, near impossible. In srq I have my best friend emily and up here I have my best friend whitney, and we cant forget her great roommates mark and brittney(especially because they haven't kicked me out yet, even when i am there almost every night). I just keep weighing everything and wish someone would make a choice for me lol. I will be good though because no matter what i will be at USF to get my bachelors degree and then whit and i are going to be traveling nurses together, which is going to be freaking awesome because i can't think of anyone else i would want to see the U.S. with. If you are reading this remember that you are awesome, no matter what(even when the hockey pucks, balls(hehe), pillows and sharp objects fly( and you are the one who gets it with the hockey pucks so i am sure i deserve the rest lol)). Oh on a lower note i would like to know where my cousin is, i am beginning to think he has fallen off the face of the earth. he used to atleast stop by sears and wave but now he is so busy with everything i dont know that he exists(was there supposed to be a oops you fell of the face of the earth party or anything? maybe someone could let me know). Oh well i am sure when he finds a spare second he might drop an email to say hi. i might have scared him off(my last email to him was a little depressing), like i said life is a rollercoaster and not the fun kind(its like putting the itch in bitch(the herpes kind lol)). well im going to go back to anatomy now..... until next time have fun.

I miss this. Georgia was the best.

Isn't it Ironic

Life is funny. Everything can be going great and falling into place and making everyone happy but then its like a crash and something goes wrong. That happened and it made me sad, not just me but others too. Although I am getting my spirits back in place because on friday night my friends are coming to town and we are gonna party. I love the peoples from the 941 well most of them, you can't love em all or even know 'em all. I really don't want to go to class tomorrow, 8:30 is such an awful hour to have to see, hopefully I can stay awake because after that I have to work. Oh, last night we lost electric for and hour and a half, really sucked, almost made me miss desperate housewives and grey's anatomy(that would have been bad). You want to know what sucks more though? my cousin!! An update on working is that it is different still, I get really bored when I have no one to talk to. Oh yeah I have resorted to counting people in the store...it's really sad. I don't think I have anything else to say....well bye for now.

sad

I am sad....somebody fix it.

This is my Abby and I love her, especially when she runs into things, I won't admit she can't see( I think I just did...shhhhh). I really miss her.

I just don't know

I know its been a long time since I last wrote and I have my reasons. Mostly because I don't know what is going on or what I want right now. Actually in all honesty I probably do I just don't want to know. See now I have confused everyone including myself. For the longest time I couldn't wait to get out of Sarasota and now that I am, sometimes I want to go back. Maybe its just been a long break, and to end the break I get to focus on school served with a side of work. I don't really care for my job, not that I don't like seeing the people there but that I miss waiting tables and hearing peoples stories it's just not the same when you listen to people bitch about how they hate shopping in your store yet they are spending $100.00. Surprisingly as crazy and bizarre as old jewish people are, they don't cuss you out or flick you off, they may bitch about the food but the food was really bad. I guess no matter how much you smile and how much you pretend to be happy, how hard you try to make things work, life just sucks. You want to know what I can't stand the most right now, it's parents fighting because while their intentions are only to get out their feelings and yell at eachother it puts so much stress on everyone else. May be I just need to vent, yet I am not angry I am sad.

This is a zeedonk.....I don't know if you can see it but it is a donkey with zebra stripes....very different...but aren't we all

Uh Oh

This is not good, I am posting and it has only been five days....I am officially a loser.....o-o worse yet I have turned into my cousin...yuck!!!!! It will be okay though because Veronica Mars is on tonight. I am watching friends now and it is an episode from the first season and is kinda sad. This weekend we are headed to Lake Blue which is exciting because that means I don't have to work the big sears sale...yay!!!! So I am trying a new color, mostly because of boredom....which goes along with the theme of this blog, only things done out of boredom can be placed on here. Yuck, I have a cold and it sucks, I really want to get rid of it but its not going away. Haha tomorrow I don't have any classes because my only class was canceled so I get to sleep in before I go to work for 7 hours. Work is a change for me, first of all I haven't worked 7 hours in a row since passover and we don't do very much, just talk to people and we don't have to find them what they want thats the mca's job....lol. okay so I am gonna go now because the battery is low and I am still bored.... this doesn't help much.

Sleepless in Tampa

Ah yes, a very catchy title. I actually am sleepless, not sure why but I still can't sleep. To tell the truth I haven't slept since I moved here. Normally on the weekends because I am home, in sarasota, and I don't have anything to think of. This weekend is the first weekend that I won't be going home, not even for a day, so it should be different. Plus on top of it all there is a hurricane, who the hell knows where it is or where it is going, but don't worry because we will all still be left wondering and worried when it comes. A lot has gone on since my last entry. Sometimes I am a not so good friend, but now I am trying harder and you know what maybe trying harder with my sarasota friends will help me make tampa friends, I want both. My sarasota friends are great and i love them but sometimes i forget to call and then i feel bad and then i am like is it too late, have they stopped being my friend and before you know it a lot of time has passed, it is weird how these things happen. Now I am trying better and I am happy that i am talking with my friend vivan again, she is definitely one of my best friends and it wasn't like we stopped talking because of something petty just lack of phone calls and i have learned that the phone works both ways.
Ahhhh! Now on to better things, the strange cousin. He has made new friends and while they will remain nameless, I will say that even though I am obviously not allowed to meet them(for the fact that some friends that I have met have fallen off the face of the earth, totally not my fault) that I don't know if i like them. How many people just meet you and already want you to go to europe with them. I hate Iceland and thats their first stop, Iceland is like the ruiner of all future plans(later date). I think they have weird motives because people are weird.
Even more news I think I have decided to move around until I find a place I want to live. I can travel and work at different hospitals for 3 months at a time until I find a place that I absolutely love, I haven't told very many people yet, only my cousin(he wants to live in Iceland) so don't mention it to anyone in sarasota. Anyways, I think I will start with New York City, then I am on to Bethesda, Maryland and finally Carmel, California. These aren't the only places I will try but so far the only places I want to try, I am keeping my eyes open and will find many great places I am sure. I am also almost positive that I dont want to live in Florida. For tonight I will go and maybe even sleep.